Slide
by Isa the One-Eyed Zombie
Summary: All is not well in the lovely city of Irudimena. There's been a string of murders of young actors and actresses. And now, a mortician and his young assistant are caught up in a mystery that they may not escape. Very, very AU.
1. In Which I Meet A Celebrity

**Chapter 1: In Which I Get To Meet A Celebrity, Albeit A Dead One**

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><p>I walked to work today, as I did every day. My employer, housemate, and best friend Ludlow Fitch walked beside me, prattling on about the history of whatever old building or landmark had caught his eye today, as he did every day. For all intents and purposes, today seemed like it would be one of those days that would come and go with little consequence. At least, as little consequence as is possible when your line of work requires you to handle the recently deceased, especially the recently deceased of a city like Irudimena. Irudimena is a lot like a plastic Easter egg. It's certainly attractive on the outside, but you can never be completely sure what's inside it without taking a look. Living and working here was never entirely average.<p>

"...as old as history itself! The statue of Gilgamesh was one of the first things ever erected in the Logotechnia district, nay, _Irudimena itself_, and we have the honor of living in a building so close to it! It's quite amazing when you really think about it. Don't you agree, Hector?"

Upon hearing my name, I returned to reality. "Oh, yes," I said, not entirely certain what he was talking about. "It really is an impressive thing to behold every day."

"Indeed it is! You feel like you're getting his blessing every morning, like he's saying _'Go forth, sir, and perform your duty to this fine city, whatever that duty may be!'_ It's wonderful."

"Wonderful enough to make you forget that your duty to the city is to bury its dead?"

"Hector, you seem to be saying that you don't enjoy your current occupation."

"I _seem_ to be?"

"Very well, you _are_ saying that you don't enjoy your current occupation. Perhaps you should refrain from saying that to the man who not only keeps you employed, but also helps keep you off the streets," Ludlow said with a smirk.

"I find it hard to believe that you would even give me a pay cut for saying that, let alone fire me," I replied.

"And you would be correct in your disbelief," he replied, pretending to sulk.

We reached the funeral home that was our place of employment. As we stepped through the door, Katherine, the receptionist, looked up.

"Mr. Fitch, it's not a very good sign for a business when the owner is always late. I had to open up shop myself. I've had to reschedule three clients, and two of those clients just called and canceled. It's almost as if you _want_ this place to go under."

"Never mind that. If they canceled, it's their loss. Now, who might the third one be?"

"The third client is Sally Jackson-Blofis. Her son, Percy, committed suicide a week ago."

Percy. That name sounded familiar. I couldn't quite place why, though. I asked, "Didn't an actor named Percy commit suicide about a week ago?"

"As a matter of fact, he did," Katherine replied, "Percy Jackson-Blofis, stage name Perseus Jackson."

"Did you hear that, Hector?" Ludlow asked, overcome with a morbid sort of excitement, "We're hosting a celebrity's funeral!"

* * *

><p>We had scarcely measured the cadaver for the casket when the officers arrived. I almost dropped the late Mr. Jackson when the door to the funeral parlor slammed. Voices came from the lobby, but I couldn't understand what was being said.<p>

Katherine poked her head into the room. "Mr. Fitch, the police want to speak to you. They say it's about him," she said, motioning toward the body.

If Ludlow was fazed, he didn't show it. "Thank you, Katherine. Tell them I'll be right out," he said.

Katherine obliged, slipping back out into the lobby.

"Do you have any idea what they could want to speak to you about?" I asked.

"Well, if it's about our friend Mr. Jackson, they probably discovered that the hands that ended him were not his own."

"Sounds delightful."

As usual, he missed the sarcasm. "Aren't all mysteries? Especially murder mysteries. Why, getting involved in one would probably be the greatest thrill of anyone's life!"

"You worry me sometimes."

"Oh, hush. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go speak to the constabulary."

He left, closing the door behind him. Now, I had no desire to get involved in any sort of murder mystery, especially one as inevitably high-profile as this one. So I did what any sensible young man would do. I quietly slipped into the lobby and eavesdropped on the conversation.

The first thing I noticed, before anything being said registered in my mind, was that one of the officers...stood out, to put it one way. To put it another way, he was a skeleton. Not a skeleton in the sense that he was clearly anorexic, a skeleton in the sense that he clearly lacked skin, flesh and organs. Oddly enough, his partner was a dark-haired woman who was pretty, but otherwise unremarkable.

The pair flashed their badges. "Officers Pleasant and Cain, Irudimena Police Department," the skeleton said in the important sort of tone policemen tend to speak with, "I presume you are Mr. Fitch?"

Ludlow tipped his hat slightly. "At your service. I take it you're not here to inquire about the date and time of Mr. Jackson's funeral?"

"No," the woman said in a bitter, less professional tone, "we actually need to ask you a few questions. Those idiots in the forensics department-" here she used a rather unfriendly term for having made a mistake- "so there's a large possibility that his death wasn't a suicide, and we have to question everyone who knew him or was involved in anything after his death."

"I assure you that I knew nothing of Mr. Jackson when he was alive, unless you count what was printed in the tabloids. Nor did my assistant, though he evidently believes himself to be stealthier than he is," Ludlow said with a smirk and a glance directly at me.

Embarrassed, I slunk back into the back room and made a mental note to figure out how he always seems to know exactly where I am.

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><p>Author's note: I have no idea why I named this story <em>Slide<em>. I own nothing, though.


	2. In Which I Have A Date To The Cinema

**Chapter 2: In Which I Have A Date To The Cinema (With My Male Associate)**

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><p>After the two officers questioned him, Ludlow returned to the back room of the funeral home. I had just finished dressing Mr. Jackson in the suit he was to be buried in. "What did they ask you?" I asked.<p>

"Oh, not much. Just inquiries as to whether or not I knew Mr. Jackson while he was alive, asking me how this business was doing, and suchlike."

Something seemed off about his behavior, but I couldn't quite place what it was.

"Are you all right?"

He jumped a bit, then looked up at me. "Yes, just...shaken slightly."

I didn't really blame him for being somewhat nervous. We were, after all, planning a funeral for a murdered celebrity. However, there seemed to be something else. Something that wasn't really bothering him, but certainly one that had him excited.

"If I asked you what really had you twitching so much, would you tell me?"

"Not here. Not right now."

"Fair enough. You'll tell me at home, then?"

"If everything goes right, you'll already know by the time we get home."

"Ludlow, what are you trying to say?"

"Hector, how would you feel about accompanying me to the cinema tonight?"

I was too shocked at this inquiry and its implications to even form a questioning tone. "What."

"_The Chronicles of Hoblian_ is premiering tonight, and I can't go alone. Please?"

"Tell me what's going on sooner than when you were planning to. Preferably now."

"But you don't need to know yet."

"But I _want_ to know."

"No, you really don't."

"_Yes I do!"_

"Would you two please finish your lovers' spat already?" Katherine yelled from just outside the door. "And if you can't, can you at least have the decency to be quiet when you finally beat each other senseless?"

Well, she didn't say "beat", or any sort of word that implied that the type of physical contact the argument was leading up to was a fight. I do not want to tell you what she did say, but rest assured that it made both Ludlow and me blush.

After what seemed like the longest ten seconds in all of creation, I finally said something. "If I agree to go to the cinema with you, do you promise to tell me what you're trying to do and why I can't be involved?"

"Of course, of course." He absentmindedly glanced through the slight opening in the door from the back room to the lobby. "Just let me send Katherine home first, and then we'll close up and head downtown."

"Before you do, one question: if you were anyone but yourself, would whatever you're planning be considered a good idea?"

He laughed like that question had such an obvious answer that it might as well be rhetorical. "Of course not."

–

Not much later, we had closed up the funeral home and were en route to the Antzerkia district, home of the Higgins Cinema, the largest cinema in Irudimena. The Antzerkia district is thought by the few Logotechnia district residents to visit for a prolonged amount of time and leave with their intellect intact to be the anti-Logotechnia in every way. The Logotechnia district is an old district, home to most of the history of the city. The Antzerkia district is young compared to Logotechnia, and it wants you to know that. Everything in the Antzerkia district had to be bright, colorful, and, most importantly, _big_. However, it's actually quite empty, with the only people who have and can afford homes there being celebrities, CEOs of large corporations, and those who are obscenely rich via other means.

And right now, it was even more crowded than usual, for tonight was the premiere of the most talked-about film of the year, _The Chronicles of Hoblian_. And there was one more aspect of this event that Ludlow had neglected to mention to me until we were already halfway there: two of the young stars of the film, Coraline Jones and a young boy actor who had disowned his last name and simply went by "Max", were making an appearance at the premiere.

"You still haven't told me what all this means," I said.

"Nor am I going to," Ludlow said, "until you need to know."

"I needed to know back at the funeral home."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

We continued on with this until we reached the Higgins Cinema. There were people of all ages crowding around, from children to unfortunate teenage sitters to really unfortunate parents to incredibly unfortunate grandparents. Coraline and Max were nowhere to be seen.

"I hope you brought enough money for the tickets. Or that there are, in fact, tickets left to buy," I said.

"Don't be ridiculous; there aren't any tickets. It doesn't matter, because we are not here for the show. Come around to the back. Hurry, while the staff are still busy with the crowds."

"Are you going to tell me what is going on?"

"As soon as we are out of sight."

We made our way behind the gargantuan building—no small feat, especially considering the crowds we had to fight just to get out of the crowd. Once we were hidden among the various sanitation bins and parked cars behind the cinema, I confronted my compatriot.

"I swear to all that is holy, Ludlow, if you do not tell me what you are trying to do and why you are trying to do it, I am leaving you here to deal with it yourself."

"All right, all right. We have to kidnap Coraline and Max for their own safety."

"_**WHAT?"**_

"You heard me. We have to kidnap them. When I first learned of Percy's death, something seemed off. So, I looked through your collection of old newspapers-"

The newspapers in question were all the newspapers detailing the search for the man who killed my father, a search that the police eventually gave up. _"You went through my newspapers?"_

"Hector, please, now is not the time. I went through your collection of old newspapers, and I found obituaries for actors who had 'committed suicide' with a weapon they owned or in a manner similar to a death they caused in one of their films. Every single one turned out to have been murdered, and every single one had only starred in a few films, and only died after they starred in one in which they killed someone or something."

"Why does that mean we have to kidnap two of the biggest child stars in Irudimena?"

"Consider this: it's a miracle Coraline is still alive now, considering the fact that her last role before this one was the little girl in _The Florida Chainsaw Massacre_. And if I recall correctly, Max kills a lot of monsters in this film. It's entirely feasible that either one is slated to be the next victim, so the only logical solution is to kidnap both."

"Putting aside the fact that your logic is ridiculous and you only came to this conclusion of yours by acting on a paranoid hunch followed by rummaging through one of the few things in our apartment that I have sole ownership of, have you ever considered how difficult your plan would be to explain to the police when they inevitably catch us trying to kidnap a pair of celebrities at the premiere of a summer blockbuster? As a matter of fact, do you even know how you intend to go about kidnapping two very conspicuous people?"

Ludlow began fidgeting again. "Actually," he said nervously, "I was hoping...you could help me with the exact procedure of the plan."

"You're hopeless."

"I know."

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><p>Author's Note: Special thanks to Movie-Brat for making up fake movie titles for me. I own nothing. And don't worry, I'm not going to turn this into some sort of slashfic. Unless you want me to. But even then I probably won't do it.<p> 


	3. In Which I Am Rescued

**Chapter 3: In Which I Am Rescued By A Skeleton and A Dragon-Woman**

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><p>I couldn't believe that I had agreed to this. It was exactly everything I did not want to do rolled into one: we had gotten involved in a murder case, and in order to execute a plan that, if done wrong, could get us thrown into prison for a very long time, we had to fight the crowds at a cinema.<p>

Ludlow was, as always, blithely unaware of how uncomfortable it was for me to have to plan a kidnapping. "Hector, are you all right?" he asked.

"No," I said through gritted teeth, "not in the slightest."

"You don't have to _plan_ this; we could just make it up as we go along."

"_Are you insane?_ Do you _want_ to get caught?"

He shrunk back slightly. "No."

"Then keep quiet and listen to me! We will have to get in, take the children, and get out unseen by the actor's and actress's respective entourages, the paparazzi, and the multitudes of bystanders. In order to do that, we will have to catch Miss Jones and Max alone, near an easy exit that we are absolutely certain has no one near or within earshot of it."

Ludlow looked shocked, as if he hadn't considered the requirements of his plan. "Uh..."

"Did you think this through at all?"

"No."

"You honestly thought that it would be easy to kidnap two major child celebrities during the premiere of one of the biggest films of the year?"

"Would it make you feel any better if I told you that I actually believed this task to be quite difficult?"

My palm made contact with my forehead before I could even register what he had just said. "You are an idiot. Are you aware of that?"

"Hector, before you berate me again, I have an idea. I need you to take this," he said, handing me a cheap camera that hadn't actually had batteries in it for years, "sneak in through the staff entrance, and follow our friends Coraline and Max. I have to pay a visit to someone who may be able to help us in this endeavor. If I don't return before the premiere is over, go home and begin saving money to bail me out of prison."

I elected to ignore his last statement, as I wasn't sure I really wanted to know why he felt he had to say it. "Why do I need the camera?"

"I thought it might aid you in whatever alibi you may need to use to explain why you happen to be following them."

"That's the most sensible idea you've had all night."

"Thank you."

We went our separate ways, I through the mercifully unlocked staff door, he to wherever the "someone" he spoke of was located. I slipped out of the back of the cinema, into the main room, ducking and dodging my way through the forest of people. As I navigated through the crowd, I tripped over a total of four small children, three of which responded to my apology by telling me I smelled like dead people and one of which kicked me in the shin. Finally, I reached the front of the crowd and saw Coraline and Max, walking slowly down the red carpet behind velvet ropes, stopping occasionally to pose for pictures, smiling and waving at the crowd, surrounded by paparazzi.

Needless to say, kidnapping them wasn't going to be an easy task.

I looked around. Everyone's attention seemed to be on the stars; the stars' attention didn't appear to be on anything in particular. I double-checked to make sure no one would notice me, and then I slipped under the velvet ropes and joined the gaggle of reporters and photographers. Unfortunately, I must have made a mistake regarding what Coraline was looking at; she noticed me immediately, and suddenly stopped, causing Max and the paparazzi to stumble.

Her smile dropped, and she stomped over to me, glowering. "Just who do you think you are, trying to sneak onto the red carpet just because you want to get a better picture of me?"

"Miss Jones, I don't believe we've met. My name is Hector Fitzbaudly. I'm a new reporter for an underground magazine for the Logotechnia district. I'm writing an article on your rise to fame from your humble origins in Logotechnia." Attempting to smile, I extended a hand for her to shake.

"Really? If you're a reporter, where's your press pass?"

Well, _that_ had certainly never occurred to me. I feigned shock and looked down at my chest. "Oh dear, I appear to have misplaced it somewhere."

"That's a load of baloney," she said. Well, she didn't say "baloney". She said a word a girl her age shouldn't even know, but I was in no place to lecture her on her language. "Boys," she said to the two hulking bodyguards on either side of her, "get him out of my sight."

Just as I was about to be forcibly removed from Higgins Cinema, I heard a siren outside, and everything went quiet as Officer Pleasant, Officer Cain, and Ludlow Fitch strode into the cinema.

Pleasant spoke first, striding up to Coraline and her bodyguards. "Sirs, as competent at your jobs as you appear to be, we have reason to believe that your charge and her associate," he nodded towards Max, who was looking upon this spectacle with an expression of fear and excitement, "may be the next two victims of the Antzerkia Killer, and therefore must be taken into protective custody."

Coraline's manager, a frazzled-looking woman in a neck brace, pushed through the crowd. "And who gave you the authority to take these children away from the most important night of their life?"

"I believe the chief of the Irudimena Police Department did, ma'am. And while I understand that this must certainly be an important night for Coraline and Max, there's also a chance that it will be their last if we don't take them, so please move aside or I'll have to charge you with obstruction of justice and child endangerment."

The woman just stood there, adamantly refusing to move. "That's just like you cops, threatening to charge anyone who gets in your way with every crime from jaywalking to genocide!"

"Ma'am, please, it's for their own good."

"Don't give me that! Just because you have a few guys who say they can read killers' minds and got their degrees out of gumball machines doesn't mean you can take the two biggest child stars-"

Officer Cain stepped in. "Ma'am, get out of the way," she said, shooting the manager a look that could make Gilgamesh himself drop to his knees and beg for mercy. The manager, terrified, obliged, and Officer Cain seized Coraline by the wrist and began making her way toward the exit. Max meekly followed her.

Pleasant finally glanced at the bodyguards holding me, and said, "He's not a threat. Let him go," before following his partner out of the cinema. The bodyguards dropped me unceremoniously, and I ran towards Ludlow, who was waiting for me by the exit.

As we left the building, I asked, "What the hell just happened?"

"As it turned out, the chief of police was very accepting of my theory, and he sent the skeleton man and the dragon-like woman to remove the children for us."

"So you mean to tell me that the chief just believed your ridiculous theory?"

"Well, as long as I brought plenty of money to back it up. Which I did, mind you."

"Where on earth did you get enough money to bribe him?" I asked, not unreasonably, as both Ludlow and I could barely afford to eat as it was.

"Well...you won't be getting a paycheck for the next six months."

I made a mental note that, when all this was over, I would make him regret that.

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><p>Author's Note: I told you I would finally get around to introducing characters that people actually recognized! Special thanks to the people at Yahoo Answers, who helped me arrive at this chapter's conclusion by telling me embalming fluid is a very bad sedative.<p> 


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